Parenting My Belief

I am a parent.  So, I see through that lens.  One of the byproducts of being a parent for me is the inability to sleep soundly through the night.  I suppose that it's because, although my kids have been sleeping through the night for some time, I lie in my bed somewhere between well-earned slumber and the high alert status of a first responder, one ear open for the sound of crying that begs for soothing, vomiting that requires a bath and/or bucket, coughing that needs an inhaler, the THUMP of a child rolling too far (and out of bed)...well, you get the idea.  Of course, I would love to go back to the fully-contented & uninterrupted sleep of my pre-children days, but I gladly give them up for the four blessings God has bestowed upon me.  (Not my first thought in the wee hours, but it is how I feel during normal waking hours).  There are many nights that my parenting expertise is not needed, but it's often still that I wake to listen, remaining unable to return to sleep.  Dramatic sounding?  Why, yes, it is.  That's how everything seems during those "sleeping" hours when thoughts run wild into the darkness of the night.

It is during one such night when I voyage into contemplation over two words:  Belief & Parenting.  These words mean so much more in their verb states than their noun states.  Though many become parents, there are some that have no idea what parenting is.  They don't know the instinctual sacrifice of self for the greater good of their child or children.  Many call themselves parents, but haven't actually parented much at all--whether in areas of discipline, sacrifice, or love.   And until you have actually parented, being a parent doesn't mean much.

Isn't being a Believer the same?  You can call yourself a Christian.  You can call yourself a Believer, but until you actively start believing in God's promises, warnings, and truth, being a Believer means very little.  I want more than to be a Believer.  I want to Believe...with everything in me, with everything that I am, from the depths of my spirit.  I want to actively seek God's promises, warnings, and truth.

God, I know you tell me, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)  Help me to move.  Make me active.  Make my belief so alive that it rises & moves without hesitation.  Turn my belief into believing.

Inadequate?

Do you ever feel inadequate?  Not quite up to the job?  Falling short over & over & over again?  Yup, me too.  I don't parent as well as I could.  I'm not the wife I know I could be. I'm not as fit as I believe I should be.  I don't support my friends and neighbors as much as I could.  I don't keep my house as clean as I'd like.  And the list goes on...some shortcomings of more significance than others, but all leaving me feeling absolutely & pathetically inadequate. 

What an uncomfortable place to be.  What a depressing place to be!  Some days this feeling of inadequacy hits me harder than other days.  Some days I despise it & some days I am at peace with it.  As a person with extreme tendencies & a love of the 100% mark, it's hard to face the fact that, although I can do some tasks to 100%, I can never be 100% in all areas of my life.  I face weaknesses in my mind, body, & spirit every day.  And I rarely offer myself grace.

I guess when you see perfection in the face of God, it seems ever more elusive.  I will never be perfect.  I am too weak, too broken.  If God understands this reality & provided the means to fill the gap between where I am in my weak, broken state to Him in His glorious perfection, then why do I keep trying to reach perfection in my own power?

That's where the disappointment lies--in my struggle to be perfect.  I never will be.  I will only ever feel disappointed & inadequate, chasing something that will never be.  My soul will grow weary.  But His grace is sufficient for ME.  His act of love covers over a multitude of sins & allows me into His perfect presence through no accomplishments of my own.  His grace is sufficient for ME.  He, in His perfection, offers me grace. Can't I then offer myself grace & then offer grace to those around me who also fall short of perfect?  His grace is sufficient for me.

"But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
~2 Corinthians 12:9

God, Your grace is sufficient.  Give my soul rest.  Let your power rest on me & I in it.

God has completed the path from me to perfect.  I haven't already finished my journey & I will surely mess up along the way, but the path remains--thanks to God's grace!  I can fall down or get knocked down & God's grace is still there.  My path to God is still there whether I walk it perfectly or not.  His grace is sufficient for me.  His grace is sufficient for me.